Ahem.

Dear Elvis, Gerard Butler, Russell Brand, Shia Labeouf, Jake Gyllenhaal, Vince Vaughn, and Shemar Moore,

I am a happily married woman, which is really lucky for all of you. For you see, if I was not attached I am fairly sure you would all be compelled to leave the lives you have built for yourselves in order to be with me. I shudder at the thought of being such a home wrecker, but I cannot control the beauty and charisma I effortlessly radiate.

Elvis- you are deceased, but I have big plans for us when I make it to heaven. Gerard, you are something of piece of living art. Your body is chiseled and rugged like that of a sculptors dream. Russell, you are not much to look at without your mouth running, but when I dream of you, like the characters you are so gloriously type cast to play, your mouth is always running and it is making me laugh hysterically. Shia, I have loved you since it was illegal. I remember watching you on Even Stevens when you were but a boy and thinking to myself, "I have a crush on that little boy, that is disgusting." Jake, you are the boy next door. Unfortunately you were never next door to me- for in my adolescence I almost always made out with my cute neighbors. Vince, you are Vince effing Vaughn- I need not elaborate. And Shemar, my gloriously caramel skinned stud muffin- you belong on the cover of a romance novel- oiled and shining and wearing lederhosen.

You see, it is best we are not together. I am far to fond of all of you, and polygamy is illegal.

Yours Truly,
Brooks