Anthony.

Anthony,

First off, as much as I dislike saying your name, I do not hate you.
People generally function in cycles. Hurt people hurt people. You were hurt on levels I will probably never know. Life handed you shit in a bucket, and you took it. I assume this is mostly because of your psychological inability to mature. You are 14 forever, and 14 year olds don't know better than to refuse a bucket of shit, if it is all that is offered to them. Actually, yes they do- I am making excuses for you. The reality is, you are aware of right and wrong, and you wronged me, greatly.
I spent most of my life pretending what occurred in your care had no effect on me. That it was much less than it actually was, because in my mind there was a scale that measured child abuse, and I was on the light end. There is no scale, and because I spent so many years weighing and being content, it took until a year or so ago for me to recognize the enormity of my situation and seek help. Dealing with what you did to me was the most excruciating experience of my life. Perhaps more excruciating than the acts themselves, because as an adult I understand the depth of it all. It is only because of the absolute grace and mercy of God and the unconditional support and love of the worlds most amazing councilor, that I completed therapy. I did complete it it though. WHOLLY. My heart and soul and mind and body are intact and WHOLE. I am WELL.
I cannot say the same for you. You, when confronted did not acknowledge my claims. It did not surprise me, and I am sure it did not surprise anyone else.
I forgive you, Anthony. I forgive you for wounding me greatly. I forgive you for denying it and living as though it did not happen. I forgive you for being selfish and uncaring- not only to myself, but to those I love. One of the greatest feats in my counseling was to come to a place where I did not want my abuser to burn in hell forever, but to be completely restored to God and spend eternity in heaven...with me. I would like you to be restored. Not with all of me- there is a part, a hurt little girl part, that wants you to pay dearly for what you inflicted on me. That is my humanity speaking. Humans seek vengeance. But I am not just a human, I am also Gods daughter....and you are his son, and he loves you just as much as me....so I hope, for him, and for you that you will be restored.

Brooks