Forgiveness.

Dear Dave-

You were married to me during one of the lowest points of depression that I have ever experienced. The only time lower was when I tried to kill myself. When I wasn't getting out of bed, wasn't showering, and was basically a shell of a human being you did everything. You did it without complaint. You came home and cooked, cleaned, did all of the child care, and took care of me. You were a trooper.

However, one time we were talking about life and you mentioned that you would be a lot happier if I wasn't lazy. I think about that conversation a lot because I know that it means that you genuinely don't understand depression. I know you don't. I know that it is a concept that is completely lost on you.

The fact that the abyss that I lived in is so alien to you is the reason that you are the person that I wish would forgive me. I have come to a point in life where I have learned that mental illness makes people extremely uncomfortable. They don't get it and they offer what they think is good advice, but isn't. They don't get it and they think that people suffering from depression are lazy.

I know that you don't get it. I also know that you come from a family where you didn't discuss things. You swept it under the rug and you didn't let people know when something was wrong. You didn't want people to know about the ugliness that went on behind closed doors. I get that because my grandparents are that way and my mom is that way when it's convenient for her.

It is because I get it that I want you to understand because I want you to forgive me for putting you through that. I am not going to go into details of what that abyss was like for me. I can't do it because it is absolutely impossible to explain. It is dark, dysfunctional, and terrifying. Looking back, now that I am medicated, I am surprised that I am alive. I cannot believe that I did not end up on the news. I was a danger to myself and everyone around me. Bad doesn't even begin to cover it.

You bore the burden, Dave. You loved me anyways. You looked at me with sad eyes and just carried on. You did a good job and you kept us all alive. A lesser man would have left, but you are a wonderful man. You are wonderful in every sense of the word. I want you to know that I will take all of the medication in the world if it keeps me from putting you through that again. I will move heaven and earth to make it up to you. I'm sorry. Thank you for loving me anyways.

Respeck,
Molly