Rewind Back to Day 11

Dear Zoe,

I was there when you were born. Except I'm not sure "born" is the right word, since you were never given the gift of life. You were never allowed to breathe a single breath of air. I was there to watch you become your own little being, separate from your mother. I was there to hold you and to love you and to cry and cry and cry.

In the weeks following your death, the entire world turned upside down.

These are the things I thought I had learned from the experience:

The world is cruel and unfair.

There is most certainly no God, and even if there is, he is a complete and utter asshole.

Birth is scary and dangerous.

Horrific things happen to wonderful people.

I do not deserve four healthy children when women who truly deserve a child are left with nothing but grief and empty arms.

Your mother will forever be broken.

I am partly to blame for this.

There has to be something I could have done to save you.

Death is blackness and emptiness and swallows you up in a void that can never be filled. It is nothing but misery and isolation and loneliness.

It's been six weeks now. Trauma worked its way out of my veins like poison finally disappating. Stabbing grief and unbelievable anger has calmed itself. Now, there is a quiet sadness. And something else.

A whole new set of beliefs have shown themselves:

Life is beautiful and precious. Sunshine is glorious and healing. In death, the entire world opens up to reveal its wonder and majesty.

There may still be no God, but I have found you in the air around us and my heart knows with absolutely certainty that your soul continues to exist, somewhere.

Birth is a miracle. Every single time, in every single way it occurs and we should treat it as such. Every. Single. Time.

Terrifically awful experiences have the ability to teach you the most terrifically awesome lessons.

I am blessed beyond words for the children that I have, and I will never again think otherwise.

Your mother is the most amazing person I have ever had the privilege to know.

Through death, transformation occurs. Families are bonded together, tighter than ever. Relationships are rekindled and strengthened. Love abounds.

Everyone around you has been touched by the mark you left on our lives. It's still not okay and it's still unfair, but the lessons and revelations that continue to unfold make this a little less unbearable. You gave me a tremendous gift, one I will never forget, and for that, I am grateful.

With all of my love, little girl.

Rae