Dear Aidan

I was the first person you ever talked to. Ever. I was the only one who understood your language. I was, in fact, your favorite person to speak to. You constantly asked for affirmation and encouragement. Your goal in life was to make me proud. You told me all of your stories and all of your secrets. You laughed to me and you cried to me.

But before all of that, before you were verbal, I just talked at you and pretended that you were responding. It's kind of like that now, too.

There is silence now, hours of it, where there once was make believe and chattering and giggling. Nearly the only time you speak to me is when you want me to do something for you. Buy you something. Give you something. Drive you somewhere. Help you with the things you haven't learned how to do for yourself yet.

The other times you speak to me, it is because you're angry. You have discovered that I am imperfect and flawed. I went from hero to villian in the span of a few years. I can do nothing right. In your eyes, every move I make is the wrong one. I truly believe that you think I am purposefully attempting to make your life as unfair and miserable as humanly possible.

Even though you say "it's different these days", I still remember what it feels like. And that is the only thing I hold on to. I know that everything you're doing is natural and necessary. You are learning to break away from me, to be independent. In order for that to happen, you will have to reject me first. I try to hold my tongue and I try to pick my battles while I wait and look years and years into the future when you can see more clearly. When I might someday receive a "thank you" or an unprompted "I love you."

Every single major step I have made in my life has been for you and your brothers. Although it doesn't seem like it now, there has been very few moments of selfishness. There has been sacrifice and neverending work and it has broken me down on countless occasions.

You don't believe it now, but you'll look back later, with greater perspective, and see how much I love you. Even in your silence, in your anger, and in your one word responses to my probing questions. I love you. More than you can ever know and can ever imagine. At least until you've got your own little unresponsive offspring. ;)

Love, Mom