Dearest Bein

Do you remember how it all began? We shared a cigarette before school one day. We were strangers then. But the next time I saw you, perhaps after Summer break, we immediately embraced. It was if we had been friends forever. I was drawn to you, when your soul was giddy and beautiful and full of light.

You were the smell of incense and pungent marijuana smoke in the air. You were Birkenstocks and dreadlocks and painting and long nights awake together, sitting on your bed. You were Jewel and Dave Matthews. You were Camel Wides and Newports. You were drawing and painting and a Cheshire cat tattoo. You were the biggest smile, the brightest eyes, the kindest human I had ever known.

You were always jealous of Jen, but when she was gone, in Austria for the summers or, eventually, Florida, you filled the void that she left. You just filled it in a different and wonderful way.

The years marched on and I got married and had babies. And then, you fell blissfully in love. I remember the day you told me about him, over the phone. You couldn't wait for me to meet him. You were so happy then.

I was immediately distrustful of him. I didn't know why and I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was wrong. You became pregnant and your daughter was born and things began to crumble.

He was abusive to you in every way possible. There were no-contact orders and lawyers and jail and custody issues. I watched it all go down, and I pleaded for you to recognize that he was nothing but poison. You'd agree for awhile, but then eventually go back to him. You'd try to convince me that he was a good man, and that he loved you and that you were happy. There were so many times that I tried. I tried to be supportive and I tried to believe the best. But there were too many instances where he proved me right. He did not deserve you. And I kept on telling you so. There were angry emails between us and you said, "You're just jealous because you'll never know love like I have." It was exasperating.

In time, you left him, and you eventually realized who he really was. But the person who came out of the experience was not the same. You were hardened and angry. I didn't even know you anymore. And then, we began to drift.

I don't let go of my friends. I hold on tight. But I couldn't hold you tight enough, and away you went.

I still miss you, a lot of the time, and I still wish that things could go back. Realistically, I know they can't. And so, instead, I send out silent messages of love and support and hope that you feel them. You are still loved and you continue to remain in my memory as the kindest person I have ever known.

Love, Rae