Roo.

I remember the first moment that I held you in my arms. I was stunned that you had no teeth. In my mind, I knew that babies didn't have teeth when they were born but I couldn't get over the shock of this pink, screaming, gummy kid.

It was daunting but you were cute. I loved your big brown eyes and the fact that you were as bald as an egg. You were gigantic and you cried a lot. I was expected to try and get up and feed you, but I couldn't do it. I didn't have the support or patience to breastfeed you and I stopped after less than a week. It's still high on my list of regrets.

You changed my life because you made me a mother, but I wish I had allowed you to change me more. I think that, in hindsight, I had some pretty gnarly postpartum depression going on. I know that I brought you into an ugly situation too. I'm so sorry. I was so selfish. I was unbelievably selfish. I was young and I was stupid. I wasn't ready to be a mom at nineteen. I hated your father and he hated me. I was a self-destructive, self-loathing person and all of a sudden, I was expected to care for a baby. I didn't deserve you.

I left you with sitters who were questionable. I had trouble keeping a job. I smoked and drank. I put cereal in your bottle and it was propped up with a blanket. I often resented you for waking me up in the morning. But I loved you. I was just too young to love you the right way. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I could love you right. Maybe by then it was too late because I know that things will never be the same again. A lot has happened in the last six years, hasn't it?

Now, you will be six in just over a week. You are beautiful and so smart and so verbal. You are so well-adjusted. I have never seen anyone who I think is so precious. I see your dad in your smile but the rest of your face is all mine. I want you to know that I love you. I love you for making me a mother. I want you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry that I wasn't the mother that you deserved. I want you to know that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you proud. I will spend my life making it up to you, if I can.

Someday, I will sit down with you and read you this letter. Someday I will hold you close and tell you everything. We will talk like two adults. I will share with you why things are the way that they are. I will share with you how infinitely and immeasurably I love you. I hope that you will accept these explanations. It is my deepest, most sincere wish that I will be able to tell you, "You changed me. It is because of you that I am who I am today," and that you will see that as a compliment and an accomplishment on your part.

Love,
Mom