Olwyn Coe Altman

Dear Puff-

You are on my mind all the time. You are on my mind because you are always on me. At almost 8-months-old you are a total boob machine and a smiley ball of energy. I look at you and I almost have to fist pump because you are so freaking cute.

I feel like I am a pretty good person and definitely I am not a bad one. I must have earned you somehow. I think about how you might be too good to be true and I might wake up and find out that the last 8 months have been a dream. I think about how many times I have fed you and changed your diaper each day and I think about whether or not I spent enough time making you laugh or smile. I want to be sure that I am doing right by you and really earning those smiles that you give me so willingly.

I hope that someday you know how loved you are and how badly your daddy and I wanted you. We tried for a long time to have you and we even lost a baby in between you and your brother. We thought that maybe you would never come along and maybe we should just move on. It turns out that we just had to wait for the right time and when you came along you were more than we could have ever imagined.

I look at you at such a young age and you are so happy. You are so mischievous. You are already into everything. You are totally fearless and ridiculously curious. You have a vice-grip and you use it on everything you can get your fat fists around, then you laugh. You have these little brown eyes that look like mine and this silly smile that looks like your dads. Your thighs could feed a family of four for a week and I love smooshing them and pretending that they're my dinner.

I miss you for eight hours each night when you sleep in your crib because I love the soft feel of your cheek next to mine. I look forward to waking you up in the morning because I love being with you. You're only going to be small for a little while. You're only going to want to snuggle up to my breasts for a year or so more, if I am lucky. In a little over two years, you will want to do everything yourself and other children will be more appealing to you than I am. Then, a few more years will go by and you'll balk at the thought of hanging out with me at all. I imagine that you'll have band practice or a set of turn tables in your room that you'll want to play with.

Then it'll be a few short years until you leave me for college, trade school, the military, or the working world. Hopefully, in your mid-twenties you'll fall in love and start your own family. If you're off and on your own by then, I will know that I have done my job and done it well. I will be proud of you and happy that you have a life of your own. Moms have to let go, it's the nature of the beast. But right now, in this moment, you are a baby and you are all mine. I am going to relish it. So please excuse me if I smoosh your cheeks too much. Please forgive me if you just want to crawl around amidst your toys and I want to hug you. That's just my way of appreciating you while I have you to myself. I promise to let you go when it's time.

Love,
Mama