To Brooks, the Prophet/Scholar/Humanitarian.

First and foremost I wish you could be who you feel like you should be in Jesus. I wish you would stop sinning all the damn time. I wish you had drive and passion in your spirituality, the sort that makes you saddened when you only have time to read one book in the Bible per day, or grieved when all you can muster is a 2 minute popcorn prayer. I wish you didn't go through these long phases of an empty relationship with God, the ones where you know He is there, listening- but only because it is factual knowledge, not because you feel it. I wish you were chomping at the bit to go to church and worship with your hands raised in adoration of a living God. I wish you felt led to do anything involving spirituality besides feel guilty about it. I know you know, "...there is therefor now no condemnation..." and all, but living in grace seems harder than feeling guilty sometimes. I think that may be part of your problem- just an incomplete understanding of grace. But I do so wish, with all of me, that you could just pull it together and be Jesus like.
I wish you hadn't dropped out of high school. I wish you had finished up with honors and moved on to some hoity-toity college where you went on to graduate magna cum-laude. You aren't even sure what that means, but it sounds appropriate. From there you would do whatever it is educated people do to earn a masters, and by now you would be well on your way to a doctorate. You would be highly intellectual regarding all subjects, and have a definite and educated opinion about politics. You would work long hours as a highly recommended psychologist with an office full of classic novels, (all of which you have read and studied numerous times), medical books, and an enormous over stuffed brown leather couch that made everyone feel at home as they poured out their darkest secrets to you. You would be changing lives, drinking organic hot tea and never using spell check.
The humanitarian in you is the perfect mix of both the prophet and the scholar. You are exactly who and where you should be spiritually, and educated enough to be a huge benefit to all the native Africans you come into contact with. You are not only be able to love them as Jesus does, but also help them grow and change mentally. You live in a mud hut and wear weird outdated clothes like the tribe people. Your children are always barefoot and playing soccer or weaving baskets. You hunt and kill wild boar and make your own clay bowls to eat it from. You travel to other towns and help build wells and hug orphans and you are angry and disheartened at the lack of help from the rest of the world for these people you consider family. Whenever you return to the states to visit your family you cannot help but be irate with everyone you come in contact with. You try and educate everyone you meet about the things you have seen and heard and felt and you spit on the sidewalk in front of Starbucks.

Good luck with all that, Brooks of the now.